So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
