Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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