she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
