1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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