I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize