I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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