dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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