i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
