i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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