What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
