someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
