she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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