glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
