What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize