Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize