please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I love having hate sex.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
