I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
