Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
