hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
