Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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