seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
