If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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