can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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