I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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