well you can't waste a boner
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
