Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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