Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
