Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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