I love black thongs
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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