I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
