We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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