Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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