There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
