I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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