i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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