I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
