it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
