I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
