I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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