I got chris browned last night
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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