I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You have to summon your inner elephant
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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