remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
