Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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