My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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