Your face is a jimmy john
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
