it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
