i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
