Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
