Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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