It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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