you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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