Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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