is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize