Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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