FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I want to be your penis for a week.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
