He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
