I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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