Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
