i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
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